A Womb At The Inn

If you are happy and you know it..wave your flipper
April 29, 2011, 2:25 am
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So today was 9 wk ultrasound day and if I ever saw a baby happy to see its parents this is one!  To start with, the nausea that has been constantly luring beneath the surface for the last two weeks suddenly disappeared and I was able to enjoy the first meal in two weeks w/o having to will myself through each bite.  What a relief!  But before we got to that point, the ultrasound this time was a completely different experience from the first time.  Baby has growth from 7cm to 22cm..more than tripling in size in two weeks.  You could see much more of a human shape this time which I think helped baby’s parents connect a bit more emotionally.  We could really see happiness on their faces this time which was really great.  Being the technical mother-to-be that she is, baby’s mom was guestimating at the heart rate since the ultrasound machine is a bit out of date.  Her husband, a bit more up my isle, saw the heart beat easily but made no prediction about the rate at which point baby reached out its little flipper of an arm and waved to its parents in a bit of a “Hey, I’m here and I’m happy you are out there” gesture.  Couldn’t have been better.  On another note, last time there was a faint 2nd heartbeat that was not there this time.  We could all clearly see the second yolk sac but there was a major size difference between the two…with all that said, this process has produced one healthy baby and the second embryo will just be absorbed through the rest of the pregnancy without hurting either me or the healthy baby.  And as a memento of the healthy heartbeat still there, baby’s parents shared another heartbeat with us.  We thoroughly enjoyed the few hours around this apt. today and will be looking forward to the next one in about a month.


Did I mention the sickness, haha
April 27, 2011, 1:35 am
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Oh I know those of you who had “morning” sickness hit you hard during your pregnancy are sitting back and saying “stop the whining” which I might be saying if I were in your spot…but yet 😉 I whine, haha. 

I didn’t really get hit like this with my kids so it’s been a bit of an experience for me.  I just read on http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/survivingmorningsickness.html that you might need to avoid cooking during the first trimester.  Cooking was what I was all about during my first pregnancy but I def. see the validity of that comment right now.  As much as I hate it (and that isn’t sarcastic, I really am not a fan of constant eating out..none of us really are) we have had to eat out quite a bit so far.  I can’t take the smell of the food before/during cooking.  I do need to start stashing away some kind of snack, crackers maybe, next to my bed for first thing in the morning.  But that website mentions preggie pops, great idea!  Those are a great idea and actually all the flavors listed sound like they fit the cause..a little tangy/tart  to keep the nausea down.  Might need to invest in those.  Another site says sleep the nausea away…what a wonderful idea right? In an ideal world.  Lately I have been inspired by a friend who used to cook waffles with strawberries and whip cream for me and her daughter in the mornings when I would stay over.  What an amazingly wonderful idea..no nasty smell coming from that at all.  Filling enough to get me through a little time and wonderfully tasty!  I’ve had those for a few breakfasts and dinners lately 🙂

Meanwhile, where I used to be a spaz about this or that when offered help with cleaning (my husband trying to do laundry or dishes…) I have learned to try and laugh away the frustration and “incorrectly” packed dishwashers or this or that and just be thankful I have someone who is caring enough to help.  Just being thankful to have someone I’m not afraid to let go of some of the control to. 

Another note, I was looking at the website for the hospital I will be going to and there was a picture of a laboring woman on her back with a doc by her side…my son walks up and says “hey, will your belly be big again like that, and is that you on that computer?” haha.

Oh, the love :)
April 20, 2011, 8:14 pm
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So I’ve tried to pretty hush-hush about this whole journey (haha, could you tell) and pretty selective about who I give my blog out too and who I even tell I’m doing this.  You can never tell how a person will react to something like this so I had decided to just avoid a reaction at all.  Seems like a bit of a joke though really since I am from the teeny tiniest of towns where no information is private.  With that in mind I only told people I felt would find out along the way and be hurt without being told before it was too obvious (namely my parents and my closest brother).  Well, in typical small town fashion that news developed into a bit of (what my friend called) a grapevine and made its way around.  Oh, I know I can’t control the news my parents spread and I’m hoping they can keep a bit more of a lid on it.  HOWEVER, I am very happy to now have a few people in my loop who have been very important to me..well, since uhm, preschool?  I’m saying that because I can’t really remember a time when this wonderful family wasn’t in my life and helping me shape who I have become.  They have been great friends and family to me over the years and I am so happy to have them supporting me in this journey as well.  I’ve gotten a bit of hesitation from my parents..and actully no response at all from my brother now that I think of it…so it has been wonderful having the encouragement and support of people not directly involved in this baby making 🙂 

Thank you and I love you!

And the sickness…
April 19, 2011, 5:42 pm
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Okay so this morning sickness is really blowing my budget!  For some reason (well obviously not just some reason..it’s that lovely sense of smell I know have) I can’t stand cooking!  I hate being around raw meat so there goes my main food staple of chicken.  Oh and the frozen shrimp we have will just be sitting around frozen for a bit longer..until this passes.  So this wave of nausea has hit me with wonderful timing.  My husband’s docs had a fumble with one of his primary medicine refills making the last few days real fun for him.  So my nausea and his pain don’t make for good eating in ingredients, eh. 

Other note for the day is that the next ultrasound is coming up next week…when I look at it in terms of one ultrasound to another it seems so short but then, naturally, my mind slips over to the point of view of how many injections that is from now to then…too many.  Actually wouldn’t be bad if it weren’t these dang 1 1/2″ needles in the bum.  Can do without those.  The docs have said that by 8wks preg (this friday) I should be making progesterone (much more than needed) on my own and if I’m not then I most likely wont start up after that.  But yet I take the injections for another two weeks…??  Whose sadistic plan is that?

I don’t get sick..right?
April 17, 2011, 8:11 pm
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So I’ve run my mouth left and right about how I don’t get bad morning sickness and blah blah.  Well that is the joy of each pregnancy..as well being pregnant with someone elses child!  You  never know what to expect.  I made it free and clear to 7wks then BAM I’m knocked off my feet with gut wrenching nausea.  My fall back morning snack of bagel with pb on it made my face sneer up just as my daughter runs over to me to have her morning diaper changed.  The smell I have grown accustomed to over the last 2 years suddenly makes my stomach churn.  I try to hold my breath as I wipe her but in fear of vomiting on my precious little girl I had to push her away with her dirty diaper folded in her hands and her pants around her ankles.  Luckily my husband was right there to take over the changing for me and who better to comfort a daddy’s girl anyhow. 

Oh and as I sit here and wish I had brought my house coat down stairs with me (normally can’t be seen w/o it while I’m in the house…wonderful xmas present from my hubby) I think about my temperature swings lately.  I was sitting in the waiting room with the mother to be, her hubby and mine.  I can’t remember what I was saying to her but I could feel the blood pooling in my face and my heat level about to overflow.  Just a few minutes earlier I had said “brrrrr”.  So the other day we were in the grocery store and we had been in there a bit longer than normal because we got separated as I was picking out a few dresses for my little girl (who cries for a dress every time I put a shirt on her).  Anyhow, there we were at the checkout line, kids clamoring around to help unload the groceries onto the belt and I get smacked in the chest with a wave of heat that began spreading up into my face and cutting out my oxygen.  I begin to have a mini spaz attack and my husband sends me off to get some water and sit down on a bench while he finishes up with the check out.  We make it home and I go lay down to try to rest off my nausea and temperature waves.

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better though and lord knows I wish I had some family around here to call over for back up to help me get my house back together.  I’ve done dishes, laundry, sorting out the trash/recycling that the rest the family can’t seem to get straight, bagged two garbage bags full of toys the kids don’t need anymore..swept/mopped, changed batteries in toys that the kids wanted to play with today…and I’m looking around at it all and I swear it seems like nothing was done at all.  That is every mom’s enemy…a self-dirtying house!  In reality thought here is what happens:  I am bagging toys and putting the keepers in the toy boxes.  As I switch to a new toy box at least one of the kids comes behind me and dumps the toy box completely out to find a lost toy or to use the box as a prop for stunts.  Well..that’s just the toys.  But really, something to look forward to for non-moms right now.  As soon as the energy is mustered up to have a cleaning day you clean one room, move to the other ..come back to see the room you just cleaned is right back where it was before you started.  And there are still however many rooms left to clean.  But the good thing is that today I don’t feel like nausea just stepped on my belly and is threatening to push its contents out the same way it came in (good times).  Today I have some energy back (is this good news for the weeks to come? does this mean the fatigue may be passing, too?) and now the kids are down for a nap and the hubby is out-of-the-way and I can re-attack this house of ours.  Wish me luck.

7 wk ultraound
April 16, 2011, 4:44 pm
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We met up with the IPs for the 7wk ultrasound and got a bit of a mixed review on what to expect.  I was all geared up and excited for them to hear their baby(ies) heartbeat and have that joy just hit them like bricks.  Really, that is how it felt for me.  Up to that point in my pregnancies it all was a little unreal.  I don’t get morning sickness much so I didn’t have that marker for pregnancy.  Just a test saying yes and a gut feeling that baby was there.  But hearing the heartbeat..that was the kicker that made it all real for us.  We were so excited for our friends to be able to hear that heartbeat(s) and let go of some of the sadness that this journey has caused them.  We saw it as a chance for them to see that this is real now, that they are pregnant, that they are exactly where they had been hoping to get since they found out they couldn’t do it alone. 

So we get to the clinic and my husband and I are in the room so the doc can do a “peek preview” so he could know what to expect.  The IPs were called back into the room and with everyone closely packed at my side, eyes glued to the monitor, they were able to get their first view of their baby (or was it babies?) heart beating away.  At first the doc could see one strong heartbeat and could see where the other embryo had implanted but couldn’t see a heartbeat there.  After looking around a bit and explaining how that unsuccessful embryo would affect me and the other baby the doc says he actually does see a weak heartbeat in baby 2!  What a ride.  Baby 1 is 7mm and baby 2 is a little over 4 so there is an obvious size difference.  We will be going back in for another ultrasound in two weeks to see how the babies have developed.  At this point, while everyone had hoped for only one embryo to take, it is a bit hard to not cheer baby 2 on a bit.  However this does turn out there is at least one healthy baby in there and I will be continuing to do my best to nurture them along. 
The bummer in it all is that there was no audio on the ultrasound machine.  While this may not seem like a big deal, the more senses that can be used to experience a pregnancy the better.  Since they are on the outside, I was really hoping they could have both sight and sound during that ultrasound.  Hearing the heartbeat makes it all that much more real.  Our next apt will be at a different clinic and hopefully (and I can’t imagine they wouldn’t) they will have better technology on their machines.  Until then, I keep up my shots and patches and stay ever so aware of my movements…actually I think it will be even more so than before now that I know one of the babies is fighting to hang on in there.  Should have an update on babies in two weeks or so.

To the Mommy
April 13, 2011, 7:24 pm
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Through this journey, the mommy and I have to be hundreds of miles and several hours away from each other.  I’ve posted on here before about how I wished the distance could shrink and she could be there to experience this (our) pregnancy as much as possible.  I can imagine how the distance could make this pregnancy seem unreal to first time parents who don’t get to be pregnant themselves.  If the distance weren’t an issue they could see baby growing whenever and feel baby kicking whenever…but it would all still be from the outside.  That is the horribly unfortunate part of this journey.  The beautiful part is that at the end of this..they will have a baby.  The fact that she didn’t carry that baby will slowly but surely sink to the bottom of important facts and they will get to experience the most important part of this whole journey: actually being a parent.  I know it easier to say from my perspective, but while the majority of mothers would rather carry their own baby, being a parent after the carrying is over is better than any part of the pregnancy.  Right now I can’t say how much of a comfort that is to the parents of the baby I am carrying but I do know it will comfort them when they are holding the baby in December. 

I know it is not a great consolation prize but I decided to post these blogs for that exact reason.  I wanted the IPs to be as part of this as they can be.  I want them to know the thoughts and feelings and changes (for better or worse) that are going on from here on.  While I do hope it can comfort them along the way, make them feel a little more connected to our pregnancy…I can see how it would also make things a little harder as well.  While I think I know they are happy we are pregnant, it is easy to see some emotional hesitation somewhere…hesitation that me (me and my husband) can feel and I’m not so sure has made this pregnancy (so far) feel as supported and as co-envolved as I would have hoped.  The other side of a completely justified feeling about the “Mother-To-Be” image is that I am indeed, NOT a mother-to-be.  I am carrying this baby but it isn’t for my husband it is for another couple.  I will not be getting the understanding glances from people about my new family member or glowing anticipation of my new baby.  There are many “I will not..”s that can be listed out here as this is not a normal pregnancy for me either.  Outside my husband I am mostly just getting an occasional and general “how are you” about this pregnancy.  I am amazingly grateful for my husbands support and involvement in this because the occasional “how are you” isn’t enough.  The typical idea is that there are perks to being pregnant (swooning over the soon to be baby, support from people’s circle, list goes on) but the hard fact of it seems to be that I will indeed get to add a bit more sag to my breasts, a few more stretch marks, endure the sleeplessness, fatigue, tired/sore feet..but without the outside support and encouragement that one would normally get.  I think that the  IPs (completely understandable) emotional hesitation about this pregnancy will take away the one outside source of support that I had naively assumed would be consistent in this journey.  I can only imagine how my husband and I would approach this situation if roles were reversed but I would like to imagine that we would do everything we could to ensure the person carrying our child was as comfortable and as supported as we possibly could.  I would like to say we would do that despite our own feelings of disappointment (which I can imagine would naturally plague any mother not getting the opportunity to carry her own child) but I suppose everyone has a different idea of what their role is and how far they need to go to ensure everyone is as happy and comfortable as they can be. 

All this said..tomorrow is the big day, ultrasound #1 since transfer.  IPs will be meeting us to hear their baby(ies) heart just thundering away.  I am hoping this sound will make this pregnancy that much more real to them and soften things up a bit.  Ease some tensions.  I wish this could be more like “every one elses” pregnancy but with that not being too possible at this point, I do look forward to the parents getting to have a child raising experience like “every one elses” 🙂  If that indeed does exist.